It was hot today, so I went to the beach this afternoon. Of course, as I arrived the SHG came in, so I found myself a sheltered windbreak in the dunes. Within five minutes I had this irritating lifeguard come and tell me I can’t sit in the dunes. It’s against the rules. I said what’s the difference, I’m not doing any harm, and he said I was wearing the dunes away, and what if everyone did that, the dunes would soon blow away.
I have to say, I have never understood this ‘what if everyone did that?’ argument. What if everyone in my city drove down my street every day. We would have gridlock, and I wouldn’t be able to get out of my house. So, let’s not let anyone drive down my street because, what if everyone did that? Ponce. What if everyone minded his or her own business? That might work.
Anyway, couldn’t be bothered arguing, didn’t want to be put in the stocks or transported to England, and the SHG was increasing, so I packed up and went to visit Grandpa for a bit of sanity. When I arrived, I spied him from a distance, hunched next to his bed in his pyjama pants and a long coat, his medals pinned to his chest. He was pleased to see me. He said he was sick of sitting there, who could blame him, so I took him for a walk using his walking frame (for him, not me). Unfortunately, as we got going his pyjama pants fell down, revealing his incontinence pads. This made Mabel chortle loudly, causing Mary, who has assumed the role of Grandpa’s girlfriend (without Grandpa’s consent), to begin loudly abusing Mabel. The nurses had to come to sort it out. Grandpa said Mary is always abusing any of the other female inmates who talk to him and it gets on his nerves. He said that one of the inmates has a sign over his bed at the moment that says, ‘nil by mouth’. He said he’s asked for one that says, ‘nil by ear’.
Anyway, I had a fascinating chat with Grandpa, without sitting at his feet, and found out that Jesse is always packing her bags and then walking up the corridor towards the front door saying ‘budabudabuda’, thinking she is leaving, that Buddy is always getting in the way in the kitchen, red hair sticking out, trousers up to his armpits and braces on, while Fred, who only has one eye while the other eye looks the wrong way, annoys Grandpa by having coughing fits every meal-time before asking for his cigarettes. I give anyone who reads this permission to kill me if anyone ever puts me in one of those places. We’re all in palliative care from birth. I just want mine to be at home.
Said goodbye to Grandpa, came home, turned up the air conditioner and watched Four Weddings again. What a great movie.