Australia Day
Australia Day today. I can’t stand it. It’s the worst holiday ever. I’d rather be at work, calculating Perry’s payout. The beach is full of boguns with their tatts, their beer, their associated bellies, and their swearing. You should see the rubbish left behind when they go home. It’s worse than Woodstock. They all make a big deal of coming to the beach on Australia Day, even though it’s not hot today, because that’s what Australians do. Thank God you never see them for the rest of the year. But, on Australia Day, here they are, tearing up and down the coast road, yelling at everyone, Australian flags flying. Give me a break.
The most annoying thing is that they all seem to be having so much fun. And I haven’t even mentioned the hordes of 14-year-olds whizzing by and almost running you over with their motorised scooters and bikes.
And the bloke on the radio adds insult to injury by asking if you’re proud to be Australian. What, like that lot? Anyway, how can I be proud of something I wasn’t responsible for? I’m not proud to be Australian. It had nothing to do with me, apart from my not actively emigrating. Am I supposed to be proud of that? I am, however, pleased to be living most of my life in Australia, for lots of obvious reasons, like gum trees and kangaroos and stuff.
There was one funny moment today, though, that made it all worthwhile. One of the bonehead’s cars jumped up onto one of the low wooden fence posts as he was doing a wheelie. In other words, as he was thinking he was impressing everybody. Anyway, the car got stuck up there, its front wheels spinning in the air. All the other boneheads on the front veranda of the pub spent about twenty minutes singing ‘Dickhead, Dickhead’ while the driver tried to extricate his car. Unfortunately, he was too dopey to know he should be embarrassed.
That’s the trouble with dumb people. They’re too dumb to realise how dumb they are. I have to keep reminding myself that half of Australians are below average. Australia Day seems to be the day that half choose to celebrate.